|
Videogame Babes: It started with Mr and Mrs Pacman. How will women change the videogame world in the future? -- Ernie
Joanna Dark is my
next girlfriend.
April 10th. The wedding will be at Electronics Boutique.
Do you, Ernie, take Joanna Dark to have and to hold, to love and to cherish,
to help bring down evil corporations for the good of mankind?
ERNIE: I do.
Cue the music and the rice. Ernie and Joanna drive off on a hoverbike
with
cans tied to the back of it.
Alright, now. That's enough of that. Let's start by saying that 80-90%
of
videogame players are men (This is a guess, but it is most likely true).
Men
also like women. So, when you add the two together, what we have is a
very
marketable product for men. I'm no Einstein, but I've constructed this
complex, yet simple formula:
Videogames + Women = Happy Men
So, what about the women who play videogames? That 10-20% - again, I'm
guessing - don't they stand for something in the videogame world? I do
not claim to know what women think - nor should any man try to. This is
why I've brought in an avid videogame fan by the name of - Ernestine.
ERNESTINE: Hello. I love games when I can play as a woman. It makes
me feel
more connected to the game. When I can look at the screen and see a woman,
it makes me proud to be a part of the female gender.
(Ernestine is actually Ernie getting in touch with his feminine side.
Ernie
must now go through a long and painful process to return to the man he
once
was. Please wait ten minutes)
OK, I'm back. Sex sells. I don't know if Perfect Dark will contain any
sexual content, but men who know nothing about this game will buy it when
they see the cardboard cut-out of Joanna Dark at their local videogame
dealer. Not that Perfect Dark needs another reason why it will sell, but
this is just one more to add to the pile. It worked for Tomb Raider. The
game really wasn't that good. So, why did it sell? Duh. Remember that
kid
who thought of that "nude raider" game shark code? There will
probably be
something like that for PD. What else could there be? Remember the tuxedo
code for Metal Gear? Maybe there could be a 'bikini' code. Or - what about
the levels that take place outside - in the cold - where it gets really
'cold' - and women with their - well, you know . . . . . Are you calling
me
a pervert? I think we've all played Banjo-Kazooie and heard the odd sexual
innuendo that happens every once and a while. I wouldn't put it past Rare
to
include something like that. Although, the game is played in first-person,
so, maybe we'll just see this in the cut scenes. No, we won't! It's
ridiculous! Or is it . . .
Technology is advancing. It's advanced a whole bunch as far as videogames
are concerned, and I'm not sure what to think of the future. Maybe I'm
scared. Yes, that's what it is. I'm scared. 20 years from now - on a brand
new Nintendo system codenamed: Frontier* - when the graphics look so
astonishingly real - when Perfect Dark 7 hits the shelves and Joanna Dark
looks like a goddess and her breasts are no longer made from polygons,
but
from a brand new graphical technique called: "Oh my God! I can't
believe
it!" I will run for the hills. Will the time come when people become
genuinely attracted to a videogame character? Maybe that time is now.
Who knows what people are doing in the privacy of their own home. Maybe
they're doing more than just 'playing' with their games - hint, hint,
wink,
wink. But, I digress. (I do not know what digress means. I may or may
not
have used the word in a correct manner)
Remember when you could tell Pac-man from Ms.Pac-man because of the bow
and lipstick. Ms.Pac-man was basically Pac-man in drag. Nowadays, videogame
women have arms and legs and - uh . . . everything. It's only getting
better
from here, people. Women now look human. What started with the unmasking
of
Samus Aran in the original Metroid and became a trend with Lara Croft
-
Joanna Dark is prime to become the next videogame babe. Videogame babe?
Yes, videogame babe.
There will, of course, be the 'Joanna Dark' model. She'll go to trade
shows,
wear her skin tight outfits, and point her "guns" in the direction
of
pre-pubescent boys. Then, when she gets famous, she'll have a spread in
Playboy (36-24-36 if you're wondering). Elementary school kids who have
'Joanna' stickers on their backpacks will be labeled: 'Perfect Dorks'.
College guys will be able to rent the adult video: 'Perfect Dirk Diggler'.
Families can ride the roller coasters and ferris wheels of 'Perfect Park'.
You think I'm kidding? I'm not kidding. OK, maybe I've gone too far, but
the
fact is that a few videogame characters have reached pop icon status.
Joanna
Dark could be the next one in line. So, with that icon status, there's
bound
to be a few people who disapprove:
1: Feminist groups - When they catch a glimpse of the 'Joanna Dark' model
in
Playboy, they become outraged as they call it "demeaning to women".
A small
group protests with picket signs outside Rare headquarters in England.
Rare
gets an idea for a game called 'Protest'. It goes on to sell millions.
2: The Movie industry - Getting the word that videogames are currently
outselling movies, several companies decide to release films based on
these
'hot chick' games. These movies are purposely meant to suck so that people
will stop playing videogames. It has an adverse effect.
3: Sony/Sega - Upset that PD is selling zillions of copies, Sony and Sega
clamor to get their latest 'hot chick' videogames out the door. Sony
releases Tomb Raider part whatever, and Sega re-releases Sonic Adventure
-
except this time Sonic is wearing a bow and lipstick.
4: Dorothy Hamill - For using her likeness in a videogame without her
permission.
So what about the people who approve? Timmy Tubaru of Bismarck, North
Dakota says:
"I can't wait to be a girl and shoot things".
Could it really be that simple? Is this what we want? Would the game be
any
different if it were a man? Probably not. As I sit here and I think about
this, I wonder . . . maybe I'm not scared, maybe I just want to be a girl
and shoot things. Maybe I should embrace this 'brave new world', a world
where I'm not afraid to be attracted to Joanna Dark.
This one's for you, Joanna, (as I raise my glass) for what you are about
to
do for the people of Earth. You will save the planet from a dangerous
corporation, you will give people hope for an alien civilization, and
you
will allow people to shoot through walls. For that Joanna Dark - I salute
you.
READER: "What is this guy talking about? Joanna Dark is a
videogame
character. She's not real".
No - not yet.
*The Nintendo Frontier is a fictional videogame console. But, if it ever
does become reality, it will launch with a Mario game and a mediocre flight
simulation.
If you are a man: E-mail Ernie
and complain about this article.
If you are a woman: E-mail Ernie
and tell him how wonderful he is.
